Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
