Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she peed on how many people?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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