My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
