dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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