I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
