just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
