you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
