If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
