Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
