Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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