I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
