Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
