I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
