I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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