My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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