I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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