I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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