wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
