shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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