I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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