In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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