Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
