Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
