I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
