If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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