Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
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I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
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Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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