So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
