If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
