my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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