Screwed.edu
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
