Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
