Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
