i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
