my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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