and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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