dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
