it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
