I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
