you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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