listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
