I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!