He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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