70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING