before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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