I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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