I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
