Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
