Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
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I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
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the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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