Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
