I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
