then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
