I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
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On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
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Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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