My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
