i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
