apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
