i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
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