All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
