Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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