the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
