Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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