I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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