Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
