Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
