oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
