They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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